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Issue number one




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The inventor of spare time by Aisys

Iwas well ahead of schedule at my job. I was so ahead of schedule that I was able to squeeze in a few more extra tasks before the day ended. Thus I would increase my pay, for one is paid by the job in my line of work. So I got into my company car and rode atop it into the countryside where I was to collect money from an old inventor for no particular reason. This is what I do in my line of work. I stopped along the road for a moment to relieve myself (for there were no toilets in the countryside yet), and I noticed something red sticking out of the ground. It was a wax figure of a painter with a pocket knife attached to its brush. Frightened, I got into the car and rode off.

Eventually I came to an odd little house with no windows and a front porch made to look like a castle top. At the edge of the road a sign read, "Dr. Pierre Fantasmo, M.D. P.H.D. L.C.D. L.S.D. A.B.C, Inventor of Spare Time (and other wondrous things!)". I knocked on the front door and there was no answer. After trying several times with no luck, I decided to go around and see if there was a back door. Behind the house I discovered an old man fidgeting with a bottle cap, three corn husks, and a crayon with bits of cheese attached to it. He was sitting in a sandbox, buried up to his bellybutton, and there was a fluctuating grin on his face.

"Hello," I said .

He replied, "My leg has coalesced into the fury you draw from your toes." He sprang from the sandbox, ran one lap around the yard, then disappeared into a little barn which had murals of faces, tools, geometric shapes, and obscure animals on it.

I followed him quickly inside, determined to get my money. I was, however, interested in this peculiar man, and so I made an assessment of his character my second priority. "Dear sir," I said walking up to him, "I...".

He stuffed a corn husk in my mouth and said, "Shhh." He then led me to an empty wall (the only empty wall in the barn) and said, "He has been waiting for you."

I swallowed the corn husk and said, "But, sir, I..." He pushed me forward and from his side emerged a pocket knife with red paint dripping from it. He handed it to me and said nothing. Angry, I threw the object to the ground and said, "I am here to collect your money." He studied my face, then began to draw across my forehead. "What are you doing??" I asked.

"Inventing Spare Time" he said .

"I was under the impression you already did that," I responded. "Don't you want to go on to another project?"

He looked at me strangely and replied, "My dear sir, you have cheese on your brow." With this, he pushed a paintbrush into my side and led me back over to the empty wall. Instantly I saw three bricks sink into the wall and the holes they made poured forth $100 bills. I pounced on the bills which changed into sparkling diamonds which became gold ducks that waddled about my shoes, and we danced and quacked and did impressions of people you'd meet on the way to the bank. While I took part in this fantastic ritual, the peculiar old man slipped out the door while reciting his birth certificate. He shut the barn door and let the structure, with me inside, sink into the ground. The hole it made in the grass sprouted forth a tree on which grew $100 bills. The old man studied this tree, then turned and faced the yard. With one leap he sprang 10 feet into the air, burrowed into the ground to talk with goblins, and he drew pictures of elephants baking cookies on the rocks below the earth's surface.

Aisys (E. Alexander Romanovich) is currently living in New York City studying film. He is heavily involved with surrealism and psychological topics as they pertain to literature and filmmaking. Authors such as Leonora Carrington, Gisele Prassinos, L. Frank Baum, and Benjamin Peret serve as strong literary influences.

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