was well ahead of schedule at my job. I was so ahead of schedule that I
was able to squeeze in a few more extra tasks before the day ended. Thus
I would increase my pay, for one is paid by the job in my line
of work. So I got into my company car and rode atop it into the countryside
where I was to collect money from an old inventor for no particular
reason. This is what I do in my line of work. I stopped along the
road for a moment to relieve myself (for there were no toilets in the
countryside yet), and I noticed something red sticking out of the ground.
It was a wax figure of a painter with a pocket knife attached
to its brush. Frightened, I got into the car and rode off.
came to an odd little house with no windows and a front porch made to
look like a castle top. At the edge of the road a sign read, "Dr. Pierre
Fantasmo, M.D. P.H.D. L.C.D. L.S.D. A.B.C, Inventor of Spare Time (and
other wondrous things!)". I knocked on the front door and there was no
answer. After trying several times with no luck, I decided to go around
and see if there was a back door. Behind the house I discovered an old
man fidgeting with a bottle cap, three corn husks, and a crayon with bits
of cheese attached to it. He was sitting in a sandbox, buried up to his
bellybutton, and there was a fluctuating grin on his face.
"Hello," I said .
He replied, "My leg has coalesced into the fury you draw from
your toes." He sprang from the sandbox, ran one lap around the yard,
then disappeared into a little barn which had murals of faces, tools,
geometric shapes, and obscure animals on it.
I followed him quickly
inside, determined to get my money. I was, however, interested in this
peculiar man, and so I made an assessment of his character my second
priority. "Dear sir," I said walking up to him, "I...".
He stuffed a corn husk in my mouth and said, "Shhh." He then led me to an empty
wall (the only empty wall in the barn) and said, "He has been waiting for you."
I swallowed the corn husk and said, "But, sir, I..." He pushed me
from his side emerged a pocket knife with red paint dripping from it. He
handed it to me and said nothing. Angry, I threw the object to the ground
and said, "I am here to collect your money." He studied my face,
then began to draw across my forehead. "What are you doing??" I asked.
"Inventing Spare Time" he said .
"I was under the impression you already
did that," I responded. "Don't you want to go on to another project?"
He looked at me strangely and replied, "My dear sir, you have cheese on
your brow." With this, he pushed a paintbrush into my side and led me
back over to the empty wall. Instantly I saw three bricks sink into the
wall and the holes they made poured forth $100 bills. I pounced on the
bills which changed into sparkling diamonds which became gold ducks that
waddled about my shoes, and we danced and quacked and did impressions of
people you'd meet on the way to the bank. While I took part in this
fantastic ritual, the peculiar old man slipped out the door while
reciting his birth certificate. He shut the barn door and let the
structure, with me inside, sink into the ground. The hole it made in the
grass sprouted forth a tree on which grew $100 bills. The old man studied
this tree, then turned and faced the yard. With one leap he sprang 10
feet into the air, burrowed into the ground to talk with goblins, and he
drew pictures of elephants baking cookies on the rocks below the earth's
Aisys (E. Alexander Romanovich)
is currently living in New York City studying film. He is heavily
involved with surrealism and psychological topics as they pertain to
literature and filmmaking. Authors such as Leonora Carrington, Gisele
Prassinos, L. Frank Baum, and Benjamin Peret serve as strong literary
Back to the Top
Issue 1 |
copyright by author 1999 all rights reserved