Issue Twenty-One
Three Stories from the transformations of mr. hadlíz by Ladislav Novák |
It Says Here
by Mickey Z.
The action takes place in the dining room of a small Brooklyn apartment on a Friday night in the present day.
Characters:
MORGAN-male, early 30s, blue collar
DANA-female, late 20s, arrogant
ANTHONY-male, early 30s, nerdSetting: The interior of the dining room is sparse; the dominant item is an old table.
AT RISE: As the lights go up, we see Morgan and Anthony seated at the table. Morgan stares off into space as Anthony reads a newspaper. Dana is pacing behind them, talking on a portable phone.
DANA: (into phone) I don't care. I don't care. Do you understand? I just don't care.
ANTHONY: (without looking up from paper) It says here that over 4,000 Americans have been diagnosed with full-blown AIDS but do not have the HIV virus.
Morgan, purposefully ignoring them both, reaches for the remote control, but he knocks it to the floor. Anthony doesn't appear to notice. Dana looks incensed.
DANA: (into phone) Hold on. (turns to Morgan) Morgan, why did you throw that on the floor?
MORGAN: I didn't throw anything, Dana.
DANA: Yes, you did. (points at remote) How did that get there? (into phone) Just a minute.
MORGAN: I don't know. Maybe it jumped to its death.
ANTHONY: It says here that 105,000 black men in Alabama can't vote because they're ex-cons. That's thirty-one percent of voting-age black males.
DANA: (into phone) I told you I don't care. What part of of those three words is confusing you?
Dana walks into the kitchen, off-stage.
MORGAN: I'm not a carnivore, Anthony, and I wish she wouldn't treat me like one.
ANTHONY: It says here that the common housefly beats its wings 345 times per second, humming in the key of F in the middle octave.
Dana bursts back into the room.
DANA: (screaming into phone) I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!
She hangs up and looks over at the plate sitting on front of Morgan. A small piece of cake sits there, uneaten except for one bite.
DANA: Why must you lie to me, Morgan?
MORGAN: I am not a carnivore.
DANA: First you're throwing things, now you're lying.
Morgan leans down to pick up the remote.
MORGAN: I am not a consumer. I am not a tourist.
ANTHONY: It says here that every seven seconds, someone in America is diagnosed with cancer.
DANA: (to Morgan) You said you wanted dessert, right?
MORGAN: I am not an employee.
DANA: But you didn't eat it. Obviously, you didn't want it. You lied to me. You lied to me and you threw the remote control on the floor.
MORGAN: I am not a spectator.
The phone rings. Dana lunges for it and screams into the receiver.
DANA: (into phone) I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!
She exits into the kitchen.
ANTHONY: It says here nineteen insect species become extinct each hour.
MORGAN: (tosses remote control at Anthony) I'm not even a noun.
The lights go down.
AT RISE: As the lights go up, we see the actors who were playing Morgan and Anthony seated at the table. But they have changed places. They're still wearing the same clothes, but the actor who was playing Morgan is now reading the newspaper while the actor who was playing Anthony is staring down at the uneaten cake. Dana enters the room, still talking on a portable phone.
DANA: (into phone) I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!
MORGAN: It says here that of the twenty million immigrants who came to the U.S. between 1820 and 1900, about five million returned to their place of origin.
ANTHONY: I am more like a verb.
As he speaks, a tiny bubble of spit sprays from Anthony's mouth.
DANA: (into phone) I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!
Dana suddenly stops and looks at Anthony. She cups her hand over the receiver.
DANA: Anthony, how dare you spit at me? How dare you lie to me? How dare you throw things at me? And how dare you spit at me?
MORGAN: It says here that...
The lights go down.
AT RISE: As the lights go up, we see that all the actors have changed places. The actor who was playing Morgan is standing with the phone in his hand, the actor who was playing Anthony is back to his newspaper, and the actor who was playing Dana picks at the uneaten cake.
MORGAN: (into phone) I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!
ANTHONY: It says here that the worldwide average age of children by the time their mothers stop breastfeeding them is four years.
DANA: I'm am evolving process.
MORGAN: (into phone) Hold on. (to Dana) Stop mocking me. I won't stand for it.
DANA: (stuffs the cake into her mouth) I am not a carnivore.
ANTHONY: It says here that human sperm count has dropped by fifty percent in the past forty years.
The lights go down.
AT RISE: As the lights go up, we see the actors who were playing Dana, Morgan, and Anthony are gone. In their place are the following: a man in a negligee talking on the phone, a buxom woman dressed in a military uniform sitting at the table, and a man in a clown costume, seated with his back to the audience.
CLOWN: It says here . . . It says here . . . It says here . . . It says here .. . . It says here . . .
SOLDIER: I am not a carnivore.
NEGLIGEE: I don't care . . . I don't care . . . I don't care . . . I don't care . . . I don't care
CLOWN: It says here . . . It says here . . . It says here . . . It says here .. . . It says here . . .
SOLDIER: I am not a carnivore.
NEGLIGEE: I don't care . . . I don't care . . . I don't care . . . I don't care . . . I don't care
CLOWN: It says here . . . It says here . . . It says here . . . It says here .. . . It says here . . .
SOLDIER: I am not a carnivore.
NEGLIGEE: I don't care . . . I don't care . . . I don't care . . . I don't care . . . I don't care
The lights go down.
AT RISE: As the lights go up, we see the actors who were playing Dana, Morgan, and Anthony have returned to join the man in a negligee, the woman dressed in a military uniform, and the man in a clown costume.
CLOWN: It says here . . . It says here . . . It says here . . . It says here .. . . It says here . . .
SOLDIER: I am not a carnivore.
NEGLIGEE: I don't care . . . I don't care . . . I don't care . . . I don't care . . . I don't care
MORGAN: Why are city streets all numbered and so straight and so orderly? I don't want to spend my life walking in right angles.
DANA: (into phone) Hold on. (to Morgan) Liar!
ANTHONY: It says here that every day 200,000 people work in the World Trade Center twin towers, and that it has its own zip code.
CLOWN: It says here . . . It says here . . . It says here . . . It says here .. . . It says here . . .
SOLDIER: I am not a carnivore.
NEGLIGEE: I don't care . . . I don't care . . . I don't care . . . I don't care . . . I don't care
MORGAN: I want to walk in circles or ovals or hexagons . . .
DANA: (into phone) How many times do I have to tell you? I don't care!
She exits into the kitchen.
CLOWN: It says here . . . It says here . . . It says here . . . It says here .. . . It says here . . .
SOLDIER: I am not a carnivore.
NEGLIGEE: I don't care . . . I don't care . . . I don't care . . . I don't care . . . I don't care
ANTHONY: (finally looks up from his paper) Gee, if the World Trade Center had been a city, it would have been the 80th largest city in the U.S. (beat) Right behind Mobile, Alabama.
MORGAN: I wanna walk in long, lazy, asymmetrical figure-eights . . . I don't want to live in a prison of right angles.
The lights go down.
ANTHONY: (voice-over) It says here that seventy-five percent of the prisoners incarcerated in New York State come from a total of only seven neighborhoods.
Mickey Z. is the author of several books and can be found on the Internet at http://www.mickeyz.net.
Home | Archives | Theory | Links | Guidelines
editors@cafeirreal.com
story copyright by author 2007 all rights reserved