by Michael Farrell
he children's playground reminded me of my mood swings. I began to keep a
diary. The main focus: who I voted for that day, and why.
As usual I read for a while before having breakfast. Then I voted as I
digested. I voted for Andrew Hexter I think about the fourteenth day
running. He always has the best hair and transcends the concept of the
Slept poorly, read something "New Ageish." Couldn't eat all my breakfast
(things are bad!), almost voted for Hexter out of habit, but I somehow
couldn't stomach his perfection and progressiveness this morning so I
clicked on Wupa IV for the Everybody Calm Party.
Back on track: Hexter. He said the most liberal thing on tv last night.
His growing vote (according to a poll) is 80% women, 20% gay men.
Feeling sexy today, voted for Hexter. His party The Real Swingers are
predicted to rule by March, possibly for four or five days.
Apparently in decades gone by if you wanted sex you could just go out and
get it. Which means I'm voting for Larga Mostro, Extra Orgasmic Party.
Tipped to rule last New Year's Eve but beaten yet again by The Powder Party.
For old time's sake I listen to Hexter's new single "Lovely Future." Nice,
he won me. Pretty vague on what the future will be though. His vote's
slipping. Voters (everyone over 35 must vote by law) generally aren't that
big on music.
The Real Swingers have been renamed The Real featuring Andrew Hexter: a bit
old school but it might work. The Lonely Pensioner Party still rule.
Things are hotting up for summer. The Old Times Never Change Party the most
likely newcomer. I voted for Hexter via his new "click my shirt off" icon.
Planetary unrest, I'm as susceptible as anyone. The Male Hand Is A Firm
Hand Party sweep away all contenders. Arms-makers are the only artisans we
have left and hold a sentimental place in the nation's heart. I vote
General Yet-Yet for The Gun Is Father And Son Party threatens a coup if not
elected today. Hexter brings back camouflage gear, I doubt if most people
remember it! Sophisticated. I vote for Yet-Yet.
Earth Opposite Sex Day so I vote for Sisterhood Is Powerful Yet Undemanding
Party (sperm donation optional).
Today I voted (late) for the Release Your Tears Party. I've suppressed mine
so long, and all day. Their platform states they have no desire to rule:
they just wish to acknowledge the despair that a state of permanent election
engenders in many people. They hold regular crybaby sessions in parliament,
which I'm sure cures a lot, and is especially helpful for the roughly 400
parties that lose.
Itchy lumps on my bum. The candidates were acting so petty and defensive on
the election broadcast that I clicked on the credit card icon for the
Some people in rags came to the door offering to vote for me for the next
year, five years, lifetime for an escalating donation to their charity.
Probably a front. The Metaphorical Party get my vote. They change their
image every day. Yesterday a bull, today a moon. They give out shape
changing pills: legal for a day.
It seems I'm Prime Minister. I'm the only one exempt from voting. I'm so
relieved I forget about the only policy I care about, which is stopping the
election rollercoaster. In my speech to parliament I can only think of
Jesus' "love one another" thing. Then I play golf while people are killed
for me. I move my ball to avoid messing the grass.
No one's more forgettable than an ex-prime minister, and there's a lot of us
Michael Farrell has published a book of poetry
and is researching improvisation, icons, and Australian culture at Deakin
University in Melbourne.
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story copyright by author 2005 all rights reserved