Issue #85

A Memorandum

by Dylan Ogden

At some point on the afternoon of November 7, Mr. White discovered a problem. That is to say, more specifically: we suspect he was not yet sure of the scope or even the exact nature of the problem, but he had become reasonably certain that something was amiss, and that furthermore this something constituted a problem. Sitting in his office, he reviewed the paperwork scattered about his desk, perhaps in an effort to confirm whether the problem was merely a misunderstanding on his part (in which case it was not really a problem at all, just a momentary lapse of reason), or on the contrary, whether it was a genuine problem that would need to be addressed.

At 3:12pm, Mr. White called his colleague, Mr. Smith, and after three and a half minutes of forced small talk, Mr. White stated the following: "Listen, I think, uh, there might be a problem." Mr. Smith tried to elicit information about the problem, but Mr. White answered evasively, insisting that they should discuss the matter in person. At 9:02am the following morning Mr. Smith arrived at Mr. White's office and, not finding Mr. White inside, sat down on one of the two chairs facing Mr. White's desk. After 52 minutes of waiting, Mr. Smith used Mr. White's office phone to call the department chief, Ms. Ericson, and told her about his conversation with Mr. White. After the call, Mr. Smith glanced over at the paperwork on Mr. White's desk. Something had caught his attention within the mass of pages and he began to leaf through them, carefully at first, but then with increasing rapidity and agitation. At 10:45am Mr. Smith left Mr. White's office and exited the building.

On November 12, Ms. Ericson authorized an internal review committee, led by herself, to investigate two problems: the first being that two employees, namely Mr. White and Mr. Smith, had disappeared without explanation four days earlier. The second, which may or may not have been connected to the first, was the original problem that Mr. White had alluded to, though nobody on the committee knew what that problem was, or even if it was a problem at all.

The committee, however, never completed a report on the matter. One week later, the FBI was informed of a suspicious string of missing persons cases, including Mr. White, Mr. Smith, Ms. Ericson, and the other seven members of the internal review committee. The FBI investigator, Agent Lawson, reviewed all the materials relevant to the case and, after several days of deliberation, decided on an idiosyncratic course of action: without informing his supervisor, he hired a contractor to seal the door and interior windows of Mr. White's office with plaster (in his words, "like a sarcophagus") so that it would appear as if Mr. White's office simply did not exist, or perhaps had never existed. Meanwhile, his case report declared as follows: there was no record of a Mr. White working at that office building, and thus he could not be missing; Mr. Smith had been mentally unstable and hanged himself (no body was recovered); Ms. Ericson and the rest of the internal review committee were dissatisfied with their jobs and as an act of protest emigrated together to Belize (no corresponding plane tickets were found).

The admittedly tenuous report submitted by Agent Lawson was perhaps destined to be rejected, and once Agent Lawson himself disappeared shortly after submitting it, the case was reopened in conjunction with the new investigation into the fate of Agent Lawson. It is our opinion that this marked a critical turning point in the matter: the disappearance of an office worker, or even several office workers, is certainly a problem, but it is, on the whole, a typical problem, attracting no special degree of concern beyond that which an FBI investigation naturally evokes. But the disappearance of an FBI agent is a more substantial breach of expectations, and we believe the Bureau's re-doubled attention into the matter was entirely appropriate given the information available to them. Regrettably, however, their new investigation started a chain reaction that would prove disastrous. Like a set of falling dominos arranged in an exponential pattern (one domino knocking into two, those two each knocking into two more, etc.) the disappearances escalated: the case of Agent Lawson was investigated by Agent Lawrence, the subsequent disappearance of Agent Lawrence was investigated by Agents Lowry and Lowell, their disappearances were investigated by a team under the command of Agent Lewis, and so on. In total, over the course of the past seven weeks the FBI's supply of agents has been decimated, and recently we have heard reports regarding similar cycles of investigations and disappearances emerging within the CIA, NSA, DEA, NEA, NEH, NIH, among other agencies, all of which trace their origin back to Mr. White and his problem.

Our commission has been tasked with uncovering the underlying cause of these disappearances. In particular, we have been asked to determine the nature of the problem originally identified by Mr. White and the potential relationship between that problem and the disappearances. Based the information presented within this memorandum, we submit the following conclusions and recommendations:

1. There is no problem.
2. Since there is no problem, we should forthwith and permanently forbid any investigation into the matter, which is in fact not a matter at all, because there is nothing to investigate.
3. Having ensured the implementation of Point 2, no further action is required.